


Mindfuck

by buttfulmavinness



Series: Ghoul!Hide Week 2016 [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Cognitive Dissonance, Ghoul!Hide Week 2016, Lies, M/M, Mention of sex, ghoul!Hide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-10 00:12:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5561305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttfulmavinness/pseuds/buttfulmavinness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide signed up for Pierrot in hopes of gaining favour by becoming Uta’s lover, all in the name of information. But after telling the same lie so many times, he began to believe it. It was the only way his mind could handle it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mindfuck

**Author's Note:**

> The trainwreck continues! How many rarepairs will I manage to ruin during this week? Hehe... The answer is very many.

Being aware of his own limits, it was something Hide had oftentimes written on his resume.

He knew his feelings and never lied to himself.

He knew his beliefs and values.

He knew himself.

He was a goody-two-shoes, never stepping out of line, never causing a commotion like his parents had taught him. He never messed with anyone, human or ghoul, because that meant he would not survive.

He drifted in society. The connections he formed were loose, nothing that caused great heartbreak when cut off except… Except for Kaneki.

His parents would’ve been furious had they known. And for a good reason, because when shit went down for Kaneki, Hide was pulled along whether he liked it or not. Getting into something, _anything_  often meant death for a ghoul.

The risk’s worth it, he thought when he began his quest to piece together the puzzle surrounding his best friend. But he didn’t know the outside world like he knew himself. He couldn’t predict other’s behaviour like he could his own. When he realised, sitting on the saddle of his bike, watching that building crumble and investigators skittering out like ants, that he’d bitten more than he could ever chew, it was too late.

_And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you._ He had thought about that quote by Nietzsche quite often. To it, he added a another line. _But if_ _you’re foolish enough to reach into it, be not surprised when it reaches back without letting go._

He felt like a clown, and thought it ironic he became one. The mask on his face sat tight, and the arms of its maker wrapped around his waist even tighter.

It was near a miracle he found the man. He had heard of him and his friends before, as many rumours were floating around in the wards of the one without a face. Once he had found Uta, he did his damnedest to form any connection. Sex was the easiest.

But even as Hide used him, he was aware of Uta using him quite alike. Hide did some of the delicate but dirty jobs - not too dirty to have placed him in danger, but ones Uta could not do himself. In return, Hide was given Kaneki’s location, names of people he had interacted with or sometimes what they had talked about. But even with this mutual agreement to use and be used, Hide had a need to justify his existence by his side. Therefore Hide told him:

“I like you.”

The words were itching his throat as they came out and he wanted to claw his mouth open, rip out his tongue and scratch off the surface of his cheeks. Never had he told someone such a thing, and for his first confession to be a lie... It felt wrong beyond measure, but it made their connection stronger.

The sweet kisses burned his lips, but he was left yearning for them. They were his punishment for being such a fool, he concluded. An absolute tool.

“I really like you.”

They kept getting lower, more painful. It was as if he was breathing in ash. He was thankful Uta’s dark eyes were closed as he bit his lip. He moved down to catch his lips again. Uta always tasted like food. Hide never felt hungry when he was around him. He breathed in the air leaving Uta’s mouth.

“I really, really like you.”

Eventually people became aware of them. It felt worse when he couldn’t push his face into Uta’s chest to cover up his grimace. But Uta’s friends were even more powerful than he could’ve imagined. Out of them all, he took special liking to Itori and her ability to find all the information in the world. Anything he wanted. Anything he needed.

“I love you.”

Hide wanted to scream from frustration. He did. Uta licked his tears away and rocked into him slowly. He sobbed, he cried and he cursed everything he knew. He had all this power, all this knowledge, but for what purpose? At what cost? Uta pushed deeper and his mind is left blank.

“I love you.”

He was tired. He tried to remember the reason why he had gotten into this mess. Uta’s hair tickled his nose and he blew it away. Warm hands traced down his ribs, to his hips, down his thighs.

He sighed. He was ready to succumb to the bittersweet pain in his chest.

“I love you,” he said. He said it out of habit. Uta hummed, lips kissing the way from his stomach to his pelvis. Hide stared at the ceiling in wonder.

“I love you.”

There was no pain.

Hide was left lying on the bed dumbfounded. He stared at the man that lied over his chest, eyeing the glass jar of eyes near the bed hungrily. He loved him. He really, truly, loved this man. How it had happened, Hide didn’t know.

He reached over to the jar, grabbing a handful of the slick, round organs and handed them to Uta. He allowed one to be pushed through his lips by Uta’s gentle fingers and bit down on it.

Hide knew himself.

He knew his mind had tricked him by turning his lie into reality.

**Author's Note:**

> If someone thinks "Wow, the author is really not doing well with writing these days" THEY'D BE CORRECT.  
> Maybe one day I'll get this ish going again. However, that day is not today.


End file.
